Acid Alkali
by Smashed Sunshine
Summary: Two weeks has passed since that fateful night - Remus is scared that the door will open and it won't be his friend. Acceptance seems out of reach and he is alone with the memories that haunt him. Can Tonks help the pain? Book 5 Spoiler


**Acid/Alkali**

****

_Burn it from me_

_That bitter taste_

_That longing breathe _

_Please_

_Allow me a moment's breath_

_For this weight to be lifted_

_For this unstoppable tear to fall_

_Please_

_Rip away the mask_

_It constricts my dreams_

_It plunges me into darkness unknown_

_Please_

_Save me_

_You are here_

_I am alone_

_Please_

It had been two weeks since that fateful night in the Department of Mysteries. Two whole weeks and still it seemed like it hadn't happened at all. The world was still turning. Number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London, still stood squashed between two tall stone houses, half way between reality and fantasy. People still walked past completely unaware of its presence. They had no idea how important one building could be. Still though, Remus Lupin's heart continued to beat and it seemed so completely wrong.  

Two weeks ago he had been sat at this very table with Sirius Black, sipping coffee in a comfortable silence that could only truly be experienced by two friends who had known each other for a long time. It had been warm as the fire crackled away in its confinements. Even though they seemed perfectly comfortable though, lazed back in the wooden chairs, it was as if they were sitting upon a knife's edge. The air had been electric with tension – nothing new there. Against the pressures though, Remus had found himself able to simply relax in the good company.

Long hours had been spent merely sitting. Sometimes they would talk and other times they wouldn't. When they did talk though it was never of the hard times they were facing at the moment. It was of those hot, sun saturated days where the Marauder's would come together and enjoy their youth. Prongs, Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail – friends to the end once upon a time. They had been united in a common cause and it had been Remus' status as a werewolf. Sirius would discuss the old times where he had been free. Remus had not been listening completely, his mind wandering to the remaining Potter and the fight against him. 

Now though, as he sat at the sturdy wooden table, he wished for the entire world that he had paid attention to what his friend was saying. He would have given anything just to hear that deep timber voice. It seemed as if it had been forever since he had heard it, but his mind told him it had only been two weeks. 

The warning had risen. He had sprung up with tension from his chair. His fingers wrapping round his wand automatically, he had proceeded to call the others too him. Action needed to be taken quickly because for all they knew Harry could already be dead. At the time he had not considered anything else, especially what had come to pass that fateful night. Sirius loved Harry and saw him as his last link to James. To him Harry was the son and brother he had never had and would do anything to save him from being hurt. There had been no telling Sirius. He did not care for the dangers – they were what made the fight all the more exciting.

That night, two weeks ago, Sirius Black had died in the line of duty defending the people he loved. 

Remus heaved a sigh and tore his infinitive gaze away from the wall opposite him. Automatically he looked to the clock and counted off how many hours he had until he could leave. He had learned to hate this house over the past two weeks. With Sirius gone it was up to him to make sure there was always someone available in the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Most of the time though, the others were caught up in their other jobs and it was left to him. Sometimes there was a constant flow of people coming in and out, lately though there had been no one. They didn't want to be there. They didn't want to remember the House of Black and its previous owner. They didn't want to hurt as much as Remus was. 

Kreacher, the traitorous House Elf, had been forced to accept a sock from Dumbledore, the now owner of the house. He had left in a hurricane of screams as he tried to grip to the picture of Sirius' mother. Dumbledore would not allow him to stay though. It was because of that creature that Black had died. He deserved the punishment of being thrown out. The next move had been removing everything that Dumbledore thought Sirius would want removed. He blasted away the hideous portraits, smashed up the family photos and removed all the unnecessary furniture. The walls were blank and the house bare as well as empty. Molly Weasley had come over and tried to brighten the place up. She felt guilty for having been so distrusting of the man who now was dead. It had been her chance to make it up to his spirit in everyway she could. 

Nothing though could replace the man himself.

Remus turned his wand between his fingers, his eyes fixed to the blur of wood. He felt caged, forced to relive his past in slow bright colours. A picture was laid on the table to the left off the chipped mug, in front of him. From it waved four happy youngsters. That is what they had been, he considered as he gazed upon it, happy in a world where the biggest problem was girls. James had his hair all tussled and was saluting the camera with a grin. Sirius was smiling up from the curtains of course black hair, his eyes bearing into Remus even now. Peter was squirming about uncomfortably with only the hint of a forced smile on his face. Then there was Remus himself. His arms were slung round the shoulders of James and Sirius. He wore a care free smile and his eyes were obstructed by a strand of dirty blond hair. In the picture he kept brushing it away in vain. 

'What ever happened to us?' he whispered to the shining happy faces. 

'Happened to who?' 

Remus turned his head to be confronted by Nymphadora Tonks standing by the open door. Her pale heart shaped face bore the tiniest of smiles and her dark eyes twinkled with unsolved mysteries. Today her hair was black and rested on her shoulders in neat little curls. She was so young, he considered, yet older then her years. Unlike him, her eyes were not sullen and dark with nightmares of what had happened. She had not had that much of a relationship with Sirius and though sad, she could never feel the kind of pain Remus was feeling.

'No one,' he said softly. 'You're back early. I wasn't expecting to be relieved for another few hours.'

'Kingsley said I could go early…I haven't been sleeping lately,' she said brightly as if it had no undertones. 'Why is the door open? You don't usually leave it that way.'

His eyes searched her face for a couple of seconds. There was something about Tonks that was different to how she projected herself. At all times she seemed joyful and yet she noticed details like the door. It was true that he would usually close it, but that had been two weeks ago. He no longer cared if the heat of the fire escaped from the room. As he looked at her, she looked right back. 

When he had first met her, he had laughed at the thought of her being an Auror. Now he had an insight though, he could see clearly why she made such a good one. Not only was she a Metamorphmagus but she could read people like open books. Once she had thought of something she explored it discreetly. She would seem overly bright, making out she was innocent. He could have told her everything had he not realised she would listen and store the information.

'I was scared,' he said truthfully. There was no point in keeping secrets. He had seen the destruction they could cause first hand. Maybe if there had been no secrets Sirius would still be with him.

'Scared of what?' she continued to question, but for the first time there was a hint of uncertainty in her voice. 'Surely there's nothing to fear here…'

'I was scared that the door would open and it wouldn't be Sirius.'

Silence seemed to sink into the room from his lips. One sentence had shattered the calm atmosphere. It was almost the unspoken rule that no one should show fear or pain. Nothing good ever came of it and the only way to overcome the dark times ahead was to seem positive.

'I have told myself hundreds of times that he is not coming back, yet every time that door opens I think its going to be him. I expect him walk in with a cocky smile, proclaiming that I was stupid to think such a thing as death could stop him. He was Padfoot.' The cold room was not warmed as it usually was by the sound of his voice. 'Even when I told Harry that he was gone, I couldn't believe it.'

Tonks said nothing, but moved away from the door. His eyes followed her as she made her way over to the cupboard to get a mug. It wasn't exactly graceful, that was the last word he'd use to describe her, but it was comforting the way she clumsily marched. It was so normal in a world that seemed to be turning upside down around him. 

'Things change,' she said smoothly.

'Never for the best it would seem,' he finished sullenly.

She sat down opposite him, the scrape of her chair filling the silence. Collapsing into it, her eyes looked from the picture to his face and back again. From where he sat he could tell she was putting all the pieces together. A man alone in a house full of memories, grieving for a friend that died, she would think. She was right though and everyone knew it. Remus was clinging to the memories and wishing he could join his friends in death. There they would all be equal.

'It's ok to remember them you know?' her voice pierced his thoughts.

'I know. I know it every day that I am here,' his eyes went back to the picture and he whispered, 'What happened to us?'

'Who are the people in the picture?' she asked innocently, knowing that he knew she knew, but wanting him to share anyway.

He placed his wand down on the table and turned the picture to face Tonks. Then he pressed a finger against the boy furthest to the left gently. 'Prongs,' his finger moved along, 'Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail.'

A frown creased her forehead. 'Who?'

'Nicknames,' he whispered. 'When we were young, we would call each other by these names. It was our own public secret you see. Prongs was James Potter, I was Moony, Sirius was Padfoot and Peter Pettigrew was Wormtail.'

'You haven't changed much,' she said with a bright smile. 

'I have changed very much,' he replied with a hint of a smile. Tonks had a habit of making the worst situations light and frothy. 'I'm going grey in my old age. I'm not as young as I used to be.'

'You're as young as you feel!' There was a hint of cheekiness to her tone.

'Then I must be the oldest man alive.' He gazed at her face, noting how pretty she really was. Not that he would mention that though. 'When you have lived long enough to see your friends die and you are still alive, you wish you were young. That in itself only makes you feel so much older. We'd have been about Harry's age when this was taken.'

'It must have been nice to have such good friends,' she wasn't smiling as brightly anymore. 'You all look very happy here.'

'Do you still stay in contact with your friends Tonks?'

'Not really. With all the work for the Ministry and the Order I kind of became detached from them. I know Melissa, a girl who I used to gossip with all the time, has married some Muggle and they have three beautiful kids. I think she lives somewhere near the entrance to Diagon Alley so she can escape. I don't blame her…must have been difficult to give up that much magic,' she babbled on in a carefree manner.

'Two of my friends are dead and the other is a traitor who works for Voldemort. We were so young and impressionable though. The only one who ever settled down was James. He had Lily and Harry. I know both me and Sirius were jealous of how much he had. Both he and Lily worked for the Order though and soon enough they met their ends.' His voice was slow and calm. 'We wanted adventures – to play the hero.'

'It must be difficult.'

He let his eyes trail away from her face. Tonks had a habit of being right. It was difficult being the only one left. He had all these memories of the way it used to be but no one to share them with. There was no one left that would call him Moony like the others. No one to laugh with at all the stupid things they did. Two weeks ago there had been though and he had neglected to listen. If only he had known then…

'James and Sirius were wild. They would take huge risks and not care about the consequences. I would watch them and smile to myself. Dumbledore hoped that I would balance out this wildness, with my calm outlook on things. To a certain degree it worked. At other times though I resented them for being so carefree. When the moon was full and new in the sky, I would be banished to the Shrieking Shack where I would become a monster.

'Sometimes I wondered if the reason I was so calm as a human was because the wild side of me was the monster I became. Maybe I was incapable of being both the man and the wolf. They never knew what it was like to change without even wanting too. They may have become Animagus' to help me, and it did, but they would never know what it felt like. I don't think I ever even thought of explaining it to them.'

Tonks was watching him, her head tilted to one side, her gaze understanding. How was it that she was such a comfort to him now? Maybe she was the only person he had close to being a friend. The weight on his shoulders seemed less the more he talked.

'My mother used to tell me all about the adventures Sirius would have. I would beg for more tales of adventure about her cousin. Rarely she would tell me though as the mystery surrounding him mounted. I remember thinking that he must be a great man to survive so many perils, and I was right. He was a great man. Not just that though, he was a great friend to those around him.' 

Remus nodded slightly in acknowledgement to her statement.

'What are you scared of?' she said in a whisper.

He looked up almost shocked at the question. It had been a long time since anyone had ever asked him that. Two weeks ago in fact. Sirius had asked if he was afraid of dying, and Remus had replied that some things were worth dying for. It wasn't answering the question, but it was enough. 

'Dying alone here in a place I hate.'

Tonks nodded and took his hand in hers in hers. 'You're not alone. I'm your friend and I will be with you until one of use lets go. When that happens though, we will always have each other. You will always have your friends. Maybe they can't be here to tell you what to do, but the memory of them can remind you of what it was like. You may think they are out of reach, but just close your eyes and they will be back…'

Remus closed his eyes and he was back there again. His arms slung over the shoulders of his best friends. James staring out to where Lily was sat giggling with her friends. Sirius toying with his wand and thinking of the future. 

Moony was home.


End file.
